Since I have been eating healthier I have not been drinking much. Last night I went for my favorite margaritas and nachos. They tasted so good going down. I had THREE margaritas, I did NOT weigh myself today. I am considering cutting out alcohol altogether. I don’t like it as much. I don’t even like how it makes me feel. I woke up today with a headache and so tired. But we had fun. I probably over indulged on the food but that’s okay, it was good but not something I do all the time.

I have continue to count calories and stay focused. I have splurged some but I do keep going and trying and SOMEHOW my scale is down 155.4. I one pound from hitting 20 lbs and 11 pounds from my actual goal. This week / month / year has been pretty stressful and progressively getting worse. So I do have a dream. I love writing. I’d LOVE to write for my career and maybe I will have the opportunity when I am laid off soon. I have a strategy in the event this happens.

Mental health professionals in my blogging exploration I have noticed something I do and I am curious what this behavior is called. So I have anxiety and I tend to be fearful or big changes. I am the type of person though that likes and knows that change will happen and I head it off! But every scenario goes like this for me:

I want to do xyz. I research xyz to every end of the earth. I create so many instance for xyz to be in my life. I make an appointment or get an opportunity xyz. I bail or cancel or don’t show up to 100 appts that I keep making for xyz. Until I finally tell myself WHY are you doing this you are exhausting all your opportunities! I finally either do xyx or decide to think about it again later or never again! (maybe that’s my secondary gains from anxiety??).

This has always been A huge problem for me. I was thinking it was something else but when I put it in writing as a generalized topic I realize the pattern sounds like anxiety and secondary gains. I never realized, it was a strong pattern until I was writing about my career. It occurred to me. I am actually pretty happy to have realized this because while going through cbt one of the focuses was on secondary gains and I knew on a base level my anxiety was a way to avoid what scares me. But if you plug something in as xyx to be buying a house. There is a reason why EVERY single step I had fear and anxiety. How I manage it on a higher level could be worked on but its amazing that I am seeing this as a true pattern and HOW flipping exciting to be able to manage and change this! It’ll save me a lot of time.

Today the scale said 156.0. I can do this I can get to 155! Honestly 154 would bring me to exactly 20 pound weight loss! My goal is 140 but I am starting to wonder if its too ambitious. I am losing focus but with the loss of focus it also brings me back to why the heck wouldn’t I continue even if its super slow!! If I get fatigue and just start eating whatever it’ll all come back and is NOT what I want. I need to continue my journey and be aware what I am eating and not indulge ever single chance I get. And I am not talking about not getting foods; but proper portioning is important.

Last night, I was pondering this past week and I decided against avoiding the scale and just moving forward. I am owning it and moving forward. I am going to start my day off well and just continue to do my best. If I get a coffee out it will be without cream. It’ll be straight up joe. I have a feeling my “treat” was more calories than I had been calculating. I really want to get back to weight lifting and step. So I plan to do that 3 times this week. I can do that… That tends to be a great start for me. I go all out with stuff then I can’t maintain it and add anything else to my life.

It took me several weeks when I first started trying to lose weight to find my mojo. But when I finally did I was doing great! I wouldn’t say perfect but the weight was starting to come off consistently and I felt like I had good ideas for different recipes and treats. And I did! But I didn’t account for the set back I would endure from stress. I kept chugging along but the stress just keeps increasing. I would not say I am off the wagon but I am not moving forward and for reasons I understand. Its not like I am not moving forward because I don’t know why, its very clear that I am consuming too many calories. I am just maintaining a set weight which is okay but its not my goal weight. Tomorrow is the 24th, and I am great when it comes to be in the 20 days of the month for getting back on track. Tomorrow I will chop chop. I am NOT weighing in until Tuesday though because I did eat ice cream and a salty breakfast. And I don’t want to see the reflection! Tomorrow I am aiming for five waters!

So I haven’t had as much diet gusto, I confess! Its not that I don’t want to lose its just been one thing after another. I am really stressed with work, school, and my stress has caused back pain, cold, and plantar fasciitis! The back pain has been the worst. With that said I am making a strategy. I have been staying fairly close to my calorie reduction (probably not as close as I’d like because I am just maintaining 157). So for the next week I will be STRINGENT with counting calories and I will also do exercise at home or walking outside of the house. I will also increase my water, instead of my coffee!

Keeping this blog its interesting to see how one thing set me off path and I have been struggling ever since. I am all done struggling though back to business since this is the only thing in my life I can actually control!

Let’s be honest, its not healthy to ignore problems and horrible situations by pretending that everything is happy and good. And saying “positive thoughts” instead of reality. It’s ok to feel the difficult times and have feelings of sadness or stress. But you also need to take that time for yourself to take care of you. I believe in positive psychology in terms of finding your way out of a dark spot in your life but the reality is ignoring horrible situations and pretending they don’t exist is called delusion. It’s ok to feel the pain or difficult times but you need to wipe the dirt off you and stand up and FIGHT. Life is too short to do otherwise.