Stress

Why is me without coffee better?

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

I really don’t get it. What is in my coffee that doesn’t agree with me that other people can drink without issue? When I’m drinking coffee I slowly fall out of control. It’s the strangest thing. I don’t mean in a really obvious, like an addict, but slow change of who I am.

  • I’m more irritable and aggravated
  • I am always ready for sleep and can’t keep eyes open at night
  • My heart rate and bp raises
  • I become more impulsive and apathetic, this one really gets me. When I am on coffee, the day starts with coffee and I am focused. In my work goals, life goals, and I love the coffee. But as the days go it changes. I change. And I still have that focus but I start to become apathetic but ruminate on my original focus of things that were important to me. So the ideas still exist in me but my apathy and impulsiveness are on the forefront. I know my values are there but at the same time I don’t care; but then I circle back around constantly beating myself up. And its not after my first cup of coffee; this is something that happens over time. I lose sight and I don’t see it for what it is. It never fails, this is where it leads me.
  • Even if I start the day out great by the end I’m like who cares but yet I am obsessed with my failures.

I know I cannot be alone in this. I genuinely think there is something in there just messes with my brain chemistry. And even decaf does this to me. Its not the me I want to be. And I am def not perfect without it but twice now I was able to get things in my life to a better place, and lose the negative obsessing when I stopped drinking it! I still have hot water in the morning while I go through emails and I feel good about it. I know it sounds so dull. Sorry.

This morning I am at 164.2. I am hoping to be at 163 by Monday for my weigh in! I am really excited about it. I was thinking this morning when I weighed in that I worry about how I will maintain but I think the thing is that I need to realize I don’t need to eat so much food. I don’t need to eat all the junk. And dessert doesn’t need to be what I always thought. Maybe sugar free pudding or fruit. As long as its filling my tummy and slightly sweet I feel great about it. It’s interesting in 2017, when I lost a bunch of weight. I had to promise myself ice cream once a week and I had chocolate every night after dinner. Lately chocolate tastes gross to me, and I am ok with not having ice cream once a week. When I want to have it I will and it will be very small. Because I don’t need to have the big portions. I don’t need to over indulge. It’s weird like something has clicked in me, where I just want a better life. Maybe its the insane bp I have had when I went to the doctors twice recently. I know I can get this under control. I am doing this for me.

Accounting 101

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

I decided to start walking part out of being so unfit, my blood pressure has been increasing, I am 30 pounds overweight, and I have been so depressed. I am not sure what kick started for me? I also quit drinking my daily coffee, sometimes that is the combination that helps wake me up. I have been doing 1 – 2 miles a day, just walking. I know it’s not much but after not moving much this past year due to a knee injury its enough. I am one week into this. My depression has been lifting slightly, and that is huge. You can’t do anything else while that is sitting on top of you. I have been sporadically trying to lose weight. Trying intermittent fasting, plant based diet, and not counting calories but just being restrictive. And none of it works for me. If you have read any of my older entries you will know this to be true. I love the benefits I read about the intermittent fasting, and I completely believe it. I also believe in it due to spiritual reasons. Perhaps if I focused less on the self part and more on the prayer while doing it, it’d be more useful.

But anyway, I have found the best way for me to get healthier is to focus on my accounting. I guess if you think about it, it makes sense. We live in this crazy time of being surrounded by unhealthy foods, not just in terms of being full of sugar but also the chemicals (that do who knows what?) If you don’t manage your business, (body), then your body will be running rampant. Let’s be real there are people out there that don’t need that level of management, and perhaps those people are just very disciplined to start. I am here to say I am ready for this focus in my life. Despite being busy in all other areas of my life. And despite that I hate my job and I am miserable there! It’s like I thought if I punish myself by being sad, or my moping around would justify that I need to move on from the job and to say oh this job is so unhealthy for me I am even unhappy with this.

So HELLO, I can be happy in my life and not want to stay at a job and still take care of myself. Still continue studying the things that are important to me.

So back to the original idea of my post that I need to account for my fitness, body, calories, and weight. That if I don’t watch this I will gain or get out of shape. It’s my nature and its required for me. I am not one of those who just naturally do this. So I have already started by:

  • Weighing in daily (I have only gained so far!!)
  • Measuring weekly
  • Tracking steps and fitness
  • And keep my head on with being positive about my journey

In the past when I have done this it takes me a few weeks to find a place / pattern that actually starts weight loss. That I am currently only gaining is really strange to me and I am wondering if I am having a thyroid issue. I am going to stay with his and track my information strictly to see if I can find balance before seeking medical help. I am excited about this journey and I know some do not believe but I plan to use prayer for the fasting times. That is the worst for me around 8pm at night!

Get back on Track to Weight Loss!

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

I am not a doctor; I am just a normal person who is on a weight loss journey. I started July 2021 at 175 pounds, and I am currently at 157.6 pounds. I have lost a whopping 17 pounds in a year. I fell off track for a few months but after I made some life changes, I was able to regain my composure. How did I do it? You probably won’t like this answer but, in this post, I will share with you how I was able to get back on track and how I will get to my goal of 135 pounds. I cannot imagine hitting that goal, but I will aim for it! 

Last year I was enthusiastically losing and being healthy. When I was hit with massive work stress. It was horrible and through me off track. I had lost 20 pounds and I just slowly fell back to eating badly and gained 10 pounds back. When I fell off track it wasn’t just off track it was depression and lack of interest in getting back on track. The major change that I made that helped me to get back on track was stopping drinking coffee. Don’t stop reading. Maybe you don’t drink coffee? Maybe you drink soda? Maybe alcohol? For me it was coffee, and it wasn’t even the good kind! I would have coffee either black or with cream. I didn’t put sugar in my coffee. In May I decided I wanted to stop drinking coffee to see if it would help with anxiety, stress, red face, increased heart rate, and the last thing I thought it would help with was weight loss.

I drank 2-4 cups of coffee each day and I loved it. I thought I needed it. It was time consuming and expensive. I quit cold turkey and I was exhausted. I immersed myself in reading about why you should detox or quit coffee while I was quitting to help stay motivated. Here is the weird part by day four I was still tired, but I was feeling motivated to do better with myself and my life! To eat healthier. I decided to do daily weigh ins, count calories, and do weekly measurements to start keeping myself accountable. And here is the part I didn’t expect at all with quitting coffee, I used to suffer from decision making fatigue. At the end of the day I didn’t care, I was more impulsive! I would say whatever and have two pieces of pizza with onion rings. Because I deserved a treat. Now I feel clear in that that is not even a treat and will do me no good. That one piece is enough. My journey is not perfect, by any stretch. But this has helped me a lot. Are you drinking or eating something that might alter your brain chemistry and cause that fatigue? If I drink alcohol, I have the same decision fatigue.

With stopping coffee my heart rate is also much less per a minute. I was 58-65bpm and now I am at 49-55bpm! That blows my mind. And I feel like its only getting better seeing these changes from no longer drinking coffee. Maybe you have a habit you can kick and it will help you launch into other small healthful changes?

How to UNPROCESS your diet 

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

My stress eating started last November. It has been a ramping up and slow process of eating junk food progressively. It starts with a fast-food sandwich, moves to ritz crackers, pringles, and chips! The real question is, are these items even okay in moderation? We always say they are when we discuss dietary changes for weight loss, but have you seen the chemical list in the food product you are eating?  

Let us look at Pringles,  

INGREDIENTS 

DRIED POTATOES, VEGETABLE OIL (CORN, COTTONSEED, HIGH OLEIC SOYBEAN, AND/OR SUNFLOWER OIL), DEGERMINATED YELLOW CORN FLOUR, CORNSTARCH, RICE FLOUR, MALTODEXTRIN, MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES, SALT, WHEAT STARCH. 

I get that it is a pringle, and not even a real “chip,” but really… I also find it interesting that the scent that pringles have is like the set that cheez-its have, I want to see the ingredient comparison: 

INGREDIENTS 

Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, vitamin B1 [thiamin mononitrate], vitamin B2 [riboflavin], folic acid), vegetable oil (high oleic soybean, soybean, palm, and/or canola oil with TBHQ for freshness), cheese made with skim milk (skim milk, whey protein, salt, cheese cultures, enzymes, annatto extract color).Contains 2% or less of salt, paprika, yeast, paprika extract color, soy lecithin. 

Where am I going with this? Well jeez, look at the crap I have been eating. I mean if you are a part of the diet industry wouldn’t you collaborate with the a company like this to put ingredients that intentionally are fattening, addictive, and cause or inhibit weight loss / control? We have no idea the long term / or side effects of this stuff nor do we even know if we have accurate information. Have you ever seen the information about how the “studies” come so rapidly that peer review takes a long time? It’s kind of like news that is not accurate. 

So here I am in my processed food altered state. Yesterday, I tried to make more healthful choices. Its interesting how the chemical stuff doesn’t taste great but we get into a mode of wanting it all the time. Why?  

My Own Worst Enemy

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

I’m not sure what to even call this post. Maybe by the end I will have a better idea. All my life I have struggled with this issue. It probably can be associated with my current weight loss goals. It is an issue I’d identify as being anxiety related. I have been at a place of not being happy at my job. Wait let me kind of start at the beginning. Before I landed my current job I worked for a company that was a little bit on the slow side. My skills were valued then our manager was tossed aside. I have always struggled wth my personal self esteem. Then I got this massive financial offer to go to my current job. It was impossible to turn down the money even though I wanted to. My skills are okay, they found a place for me. But the roll is changing to a place that I am NOT interested in but also beyond my personal technical scope. I can learn but will I be fast enough? Aside from that the type of company I work for does not align with my morals and values. A lot of them at this point do not but my work very strongly does not.

I had interviewed for a job with a local company and I was so excited about it. I hounded the woman. I loved that I would use less technology and do what sounds like more design and creation. They made me an offer. The offer will make me step back to what I was earning before. I feel special because of confusion I cause myself over things like this. I was happy they didn’t offer me less but it is still a $25k pay cut. To be clear I earn WAY more than I deserve based on my skill set. I am not that good. I really low balled myself because I felt desperate to get the job.

So this is where I am. Confiused and fearful. I was told I could go into the office hybrid and the interview the lady today me the guy who was on the call goes in 1 day a week so they made it clear that it could be that LITTLE. My fear is the all the turmoil going on the country and new pay increases. Will this bring…. nightmare existence to us because I took such a big pay cut? I considered doing freelance and / or trying to earn side income. I cannot do that in my current job. So I guess I am here wondering what exactly I should do. I screwed myself over in terms of the vaccine because I missed the religous exemption time window. But I can still submit for that at the current role. I could try to go back with a counter and try to buy time to see what my employer says about potential changes due to vaccine mandates that are currently happening.

Another isse that I foresee is that I had this great interview for a job that is going in the direction that I THINK I want to go in? Though I don’t have any idea that I’d be any good its the direction I think that could be interesting to me. The question is why do I do this to myself? I create so much conflict and confusion? STOP

I KNOW WHY I AM DOING THIS. Its to protect myself from change even though I have zero interest in my job. And see no future there I do think to myself I can hang on for a year and get my grad degree then move on. Let’s break down the situation:

  • I do not like my current job
  • I do not like the future direction
  • I like the money and can afford grad school or training that could help me to leave my job
  • My job has better benefits
  • My job requires a vaccine that goes against my religious beliefs
  • I am fearful that I will not like or be able to do the new job
  • I am fearful that I will not have time to help my daughter with online school with new job
  • I am fearful the bad benefits and pay cut will harm my family
  • I am fearful the vaccine will harm my family
  • The devil you know is better thant he devil you do not that is my concern.

I felt so 100% positive about this until I got. Its not easy for the stars to align. They offered me more than I thought but less than I asked for!

I love in the bible when they say do not be afraid. I guess the word maybe isn’t fear that I feel. I feel concerned that it may not be the right decision to protect my daughter. I realize I can word extra but it will take away from my current strategy of doing ux / ui. Perhaps this is what is meant to be? To throw another stick into this I had an interview for a job on Friday that sounded great and another stick the original HR rep (who I felt like I could relate to, who had been with the offer company for 10 years) just quit. Being with a job for 10 years and leaving says a lot to me. That means something was foul. I look at the company and I do think stuff is probably foul there! Lol. Just because it a smaller company and heavy sales it happens. I tend to be quiet and weird when I first start somewhere but maybe I will feel more comfortable there will be a lot I am learning and Jenn was so nice to me and clear and she gave me this offer. Maybe its meant to be. Jenn has been there 20 years. That says a lot to me. I wonder how long Chris has been there. I should just go to the job and not look back. Step back from Grad school because I won’t be able to afford it that is for certain. At least not for YEAR.

Sooooo when I break it down; its the starting of a new role. Its the consideration that there is big change including benefits and the consideration that I will suffer a fiscal hit when we are preparing to be heavily taxed. Like I am sticking it to my family.

I always put up ideas for myself like if this matches to this then I will make a choice. Like I hoped to do the assessmet for the ui job this weekend and this toolbag NEVER sent it. The job has great reviews so how could HR be this unresponsive and slow.

So after listening to my heavily caffinated rant you think I should???

Work Stress

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

The past two months have been really challenging. I have been trying to stay focused and pray a lot. I don’t see a solution I agree with. I am prepared to leave for less money but I don’t even have an offer that is less money. I am still struggling against it and praying. I am coming to terms with choices I don’t want to make. I will wait till the last second in hopes that it will work out and a miracle will happen. My phone isn’t ringing. There appears to be no hope.

In terms of diet and exercise yesterday I put in my first of 4 days this week that I will workout. Interestingly enough, if I put a number on this when I fall off the wagon it helps me get back on the wagon. Typically I start out here 3 – 4 days of fitness but if I fall off I am usually at that point of 6 to 7 days a week feeling like if I don’t do it then I am nothing. Then it bleeds into weeks and months of doing nothing. Does anyone else experience this? Its how I have gained weight too being depressed thinking later I’ll pay attention to this. And months go by and pounds go up. Its worth it to stay focused even when we are down in the dumps and stressed.

When you need fitness the most (during times of high stress) seems like its the hardest to make that time for yourself. I will do it though because I want to be healthier and feel better.

Struggling

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

This is not about diet today! Well I did have a donut for breakfast but that’s ok it was a choice and portioned properly and accounted for. I went to a special bakery with my daughter. Its amazing and one of those every once a great while treats! It was pretty tasty!

This post a little off topic but I guess not really. This past week I have been sick with a terrible cold. I am starting to feel better. And yes I did what the doctor recommended, I got tested for COVID so I could be cataloged into the database.

I was just going to say today isn’t about diet or exercise but it actually could be. So hold onto your hat. For the past few months I knew I wanted to change my job. Actually before the “pandemic” started I just got an offer and I was on way out of the company. I decided to hang tight until things settled down. During that time I realized some things that I wanted to change in terms of my career. I have interviewed at a few companies. More recently I had a great interview where I loved all the people I met with! But the job itself didn’t sound like what I wanted. So I decided to turn down their offer. I probably would have considered it more carefully but I knew I had this interview for a job coming up that was local and sounded more like what I did when I worked at my last company. Not exactly overall but similarities are there. So I actually go the chance to screen with HR and the gal I spoke with was great! She was so nice and informative! Then I got a second meeting with the hiring manager. It went ok, but I felt like they were not prepared and it was awkward. Their lack of prep threw me off. I guess that’s a bad sign overall, and maybe it means its not what I think? I was also sick. The manager kept fumbling and her nervousness made me nervous. Sometimes I think when you are asked to interview with a company you are merely filler. That there is another candidate they have in mind.

What am I getting at? Well I really want the job so I am feeling anxious about it. In that I am circling and obsessing over it. I immediately felt I didn’t do good enough on the interview. And I have emailed them three times since! What a psycho! First was a thank you to the group. The second I emailed the manager because I didn’t ask something about the team I would have liked to know. The third was to the tech guy I’d work with (he was nice), asking about the CMS. I couldn’t understand the word they called it on the call. So I wanted to ask. I had more in-depth questions but I didn’t bother because I feel like I am seeming like a haunt. And I don’t get the vibe that I’d be a top pick. I also don’t know they will be able to gauge well based on their preparation.

So with that you can tell, I am totally obsessing. I need to drop it and move on. If I don’t hear by NEXT Wednesday then I will touch base with HR to ask. I am guessing its a no go though. Also, I need to exercise to help clear my head and heart. This is too much pent up stressing out. There is a team meeting today where I will probably be told I have no choice left.

Emotional Eating

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

This is such a challenge to overcome. The first time when emotional eating reared its ugly head for me, I remember thinking I’d lose weight after I got through this really difficult time. It was when my ex and I first separated and I needed to sell the house and move. It was so overwhelming for me. I was stressed and depressed. I didn’t have time to consider myself but just ate horribly and used this as an excuse. I was able to reel this back in eventually but it took time.

The next time I fell apart was when my father died and I inherited my mother. Then she got cancer. That was a difficult time in my life. And this time in my life rolled into buying a house, covid shutdowns, child at home schooling, a new job etc.

The reality is that life is a constant roller coaster of times like this. It happens to us all the time because things fall apart all the time. Reaching for food and laying on the couch is not the answer. I know sometimes it hard to find other answers because I am you, I struggle with this too.

The truth is you are responsible for you and your health. Falling apart and hoping for a savior or a fix is silly, because its never going to happen. You need to step up and care for yourself no matter how difficult it is. Your body and health is YOUR EVERYTHING. Without this you have nothing.

There are certain times during the day this is worse for me. Typically, its at the end of a long stressful day at work. I am starving. If I am not mindful of being in this state I will mindlessly stuff food in my mouth while cooking dinner.

So how to stop this? To help control this I will drink water while making dinner. Another trick is have a clear meal plan ahead of time. This helps to eliminate the possibility of veering off course. If you eat a handful of chips before dinner you already had 140 calories. The truth is if you are accountable to yourself and honest about what is going into your mouth by logging it all you will be more aware.

What about when you just don’t care? I know what that feels like. Try to busy yourself with the task at hand. Typically that feeling hits me at the end of the day. I try to hang strong and realize that tomorrow will be a fresh start. It’s your health. You can do this because you matter even if some days your brain lies to you and tries to sabotage you!

How do you help curb your emotional eating?

Fitness Fizzle

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

Does this happen to you? I jump in and I start working out and I am going strong for 60 days on track and all of the sudden I don’t want to anymore? Its weird this past week I have struggled with depression and wanting to workout. I was enjoying walking for an hour and suddenly my drive is gone. I am going to force myself to do it today but I’ve been feeling it for about 4 days now. The less I move, the less I want to move so I know I need to do this, now more than ever. But I wonder if I am alone? It’s like a weight overcomes me. Perhaps its stress or hormonal? What do you do to fight this off?

Secret to Weight Loss Success

/ Rachel H. / Leave a comment

When I started this journey I made a couple changes and I thought I’d easily lose weight because I had been so lazy and eating so poorly. I figured any change would make me lose weight in the beginning. I was wrong.

The hard part and the secret to losing weight is that its going to take a long time. This is why you always hear the words, LIFE STYLE CHANGE.

It’s not impossible to do, I assure you. I am far from perfect and I still haven’t lost all my weight. I am down 12 pounds from where I started and I still have another 22 pounds to go. My goal is to make it there because, if I am not doing this I am doing that other thing that makes me very unhappy. That thing where I get instant gratification of eating whatever I want, whenever I want but at the end of the day I feel fat and out of shape and unhealthy (BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I AM WHEN I EAT “INTUITIVELY”).

The secret for me is eating at a calorie deficit, which does make you hungrier but eating foods I enjoy that are low calorie and high volume. You will be surprised by the options that exist when you shop and eat more creatively. And the secret is also consistency. As much as we want it to happen overnight, it just doesn’t. I know it feels like you woke up fat and out of shape but you didn’t. It probably took you years to get there. Take this one day at a time. Be kind and loving to yourself.