My Own Worst Enemy

I’m not sure what to even call this post. Maybe by the end I will have a better idea. All my life I have struggled with this issue. It probably can be associated with my current weight loss goals. It is an issue I’d identify as being anxiety related. I have been at a place of not being happy at my job. Wait let me kind of start at the beginning. Before I landed my current job I worked for a company that was a little bit on the slow side. My skills were valued then our manager was tossed aside. I have always struggled wth my personal self esteem. Then I got this massive financial offer to go to my current job. It was impossible to turn down the money even though I wanted to. My skills are okay, they found a place for me. But the roll is changing to a place that I am NOT interested in but also beyond my personal technical scope. I can learn but will I be fast enough? Aside from that the type of company I work for does not align with my morals and values. A lot of them at this point do not but my work very strongly does not.

I had interviewed for a job with a local company and I was so excited about it. I hounded the woman. I loved that I would use less technology and do what sounds like more design and creation. They made me an offer. The offer will make me step back to what I was earning before. I feel special because of confusion I cause myself over things like this. I was happy they didn’t offer me less but it is still a $25k pay cut. To be clear I earn WAY more than I deserve based on my skill set. I am not that good. I really low balled myself because I felt desperate to get the job.

So this is where I am. Confiused and fearful. I was told I could go into the office hybrid and the interview the lady today me the guy who was on the call goes in 1 day a week so they made it clear that it could be that LITTLE. My fear is the all the turmoil going on the country and new pay increases. Will this bring…. nightmare existence to us because I took such a big pay cut? I considered doing freelance and / or trying to earn side income. I cannot do that in my current job. So I guess I am here wondering what exactly I should do. I screwed myself over in terms of the vaccine because I missed the religous exemption time window. But I can still submit for that at the current role. I could try to go back with a counter and try to buy time to see what my employer says about potential changes due to vaccine mandates that are currently happening.

Another isse that I foresee is that I had this great interview for a job that is going in the direction that I THINK I want to go in? Though I don’t have any idea that I’d be any good its the direction I think that could be interesting to me. The question is why do I do this to myself? I create so much conflict and confusion? STOP

I KNOW WHY I AM DOING THIS. Its to protect myself from change even though I have zero interest in my job. And see no future there I do think to myself I can hang on for a year and get my grad degree then move on. Let’s break down the situation:

  • I do not like my current job
  • I do not like the future direction
  • I like the money and can afford grad school or training that could help me to leave my job
  • My job has better benefits
  • My job requires a vaccine that goes against my religious beliefs
  • I am fearful that I will not like or be able to do the new job
  • I am fearful that I will not have time to help my daughter with online school with new job
  • I am fearful the bad benefits and pay cut will harm my family
  • I am fearful the vaccine will harm my family
  • The devil you know is better thant he devil you do not that is my concern.

I felt so 100% positive about this until I got. Its not easy for the stars to align. They offered me more than I thought but less than I asked for!

I love in the bible when they say do not be afraid. I guess the word maybe isn’t fear that I feel. I feel concerned that it may not be the right decision to protect my daughter. I realize I can word extra but it will take away from my current strategy of doing ux / ui. Perhaps this is what is meant to be? To throw another stick into this I had an interview for a job on Friday that sounded great and another stick the original HR rep (who I felt like I could relate to, who had been with the offer company for 10 years) just quit. Being with a job for 10 years and leaving says a lot to me. That means something was foul. I look at the company and I do think stuff is probably foul there! Lol. Just because it a smaller company and heavy sales it happens. I tend to be quiet and weird when I first start somewhere but maybe I will feel more comfortable there will be a lot I am learning and Jenn was so nice to me and clear and she gave me this offer. Maybe its meant to be. Jenn has been there 20 years. That says a lot to me. I wonder how long Chris has been there. I should just go to the job and not look back. Step back from Grad school because I won’t be able to afford it that is for certain. At least not for YEAR.

Sooooo when I break it down; its the starting of a new role. Its the consideration that there is big change including benefits and the consideration that I will suffer a fiscal hit when we are preparing to be heavily taxed. Like I am sticking it to my family.

I always put up ideas for myself like if this matches to this then I will make a choice. Like I hoped to do the assessmet for the ui job this weekend and this toolbag NEVER sent it. The job has great reviews so how could HR be this unresponsive and slow.

So after listening to my heavily caffinated rant you think I should???

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