The title of this post is harsh and not that accurate as I do not believe in failure. Failure to me is when you give up and stop trying. I have never given up on anything. I might not be successful, but I always return back to try again.
Weigh in day… So, the last time I logged in I was at 156, and after three months I am now at 158.8 lbs. This was on a different scale, but I will weigh in again tomorrow on my normal scale. So here I am to try to lose the last 15 lbs. I will do my best. I have been eating a lot of pringles and dessert. I know horrible! Today I am logging out my calories and I also ordered recipe books for low calorie recipes. The reason is that I have a list of reasons that I fell off the wagon last time and lost focus. Life just happens. Do the reasons matter?? I feel like they do not, but I also wonder if I address them, will it help me to avoid it this time around?
- Work stress, which a given but it seemed like I had hit a place normal when they threw the stupid mandates into the mix.
- Distraction of the holidays
- Winter gloom
- Stress of homeschooling
Stress will always exist. One thing that bothers me is the distraction level I have but also the loss of motivation. It is like the wind blows and it is all a great idea and the next day I cannot get out of bed. Does anyone here relate to this? I know that the BEST way for me to get past this is to consistently push myself every single day to create the habit. If the habit exists, it will kick into gear when the loss of motivation is there. I have done 100-day challenges before and got to day 90 and just quit. You catch a cold or severe weather or lose power and that is it you are done.
Last year I was able to make some positive weight loss and health changes but then the stress started mounting towards the end of the year. With vaccine mandates at work and just being so discouraged by my current job. Things were going badly fast. And I had an offer, of much less money, that was local. I should have taken the offer, but I did not. It was one of those highly regrettable moments in your life when you reflect on it. It really disturbed my world. I have been struggling ever since. And seriously disgusted with me. Here I am, I have a new offer. I am taking it despite having some qualities I do not agree with because there are key factors that meet certain life-related needs.
But I wonder do those “life-related” needs outweigh the quality of work you do? I am having a challenging time explaining this but what I mean is who you work for and what you work on? Like the task itself is important because it is my trained skill. But what I mean is the company you keep. Like what if I worked with an organization or team that helps the same values as me? I would find more joy and self-fulfillment. Just something that has been on my mind as I moved into working for a company that claims it does good things (like my current job does) but it really does not align with what I consider good.
With all this weighing on my mind and heart, and changes at home being stressful, I am so far off the wagon, and I can see it sitting on my waist. And aside from that I am not fit anymore. Just fat. I have not been able to get back onto the fitness track since I moved to this state 20 years ago. That is a long time. I had a stretch in 2016 that I was doing it!
What is my point? This makes me laugh because for the BEST of days to get on track and make healthy changes around the 27th of the month! And here it is March 27, and when I finished my lunch, I said enough is enough, and logged my calories so far for the day. Tomorrow I will get back on the scale and today I will start doing step again. I want to get back on track both with my fitness and calorie counting deficit. I am 46, and I will be 47 this year. My health is not great. My state of mind has been dark. I will work to get more focused but also to love myself more. To stand for me and my daughter.
Life happens. I get it. I just wonder how I will strive to give myself and my daughter better.
I fell of the regimented structure of my “diet.” I am going to attempt to lose weight without a diet, recipe for failure? I woke today and looked at the scale and said NO.
I have never been able to successfully lose weight without having a specific outline, not a canned one from the store or online but using my own typically works. Mine involves a regimented calorie deficit with exercise. The problem is I struggle with consistent motivation to track etc.
While cleaning this past weekend I stumbled on a wall calendar where I marked off all my fitness and wow. I was so consistent, that was 2016. Before my father passed away and I had to rush to my mother’s aid. Then she got cancer. Then I started a new job. Then we moved. Then covid. Then homeschool. Then mandate drama. So much has sidetracked me. What if each day I paused before it starts and I try to focus on living my best life. That saying annoys me but I feel it is something I am missing. Why is it expected that I help my mother? I feel like I have done more than I should for way too long. And I have been selfless.
There is so much going on in the world that is bad. I want to stay abreast of these ongoings, but work, fitness, and kid are top priorities to me. But it is also important for me to do things that make me happy. I am struggling with free time already. We can’t catch up with school. And is it all for naught? Will she test at actual grade level for the program I want her to attend? I can’t bother with that.
So where my head is at? I want to start being more aware with portions, eating slower, smaller, and less junk / dessert. I am going to pick up the pace with fitness because I need more and it will help my mental state. So here I am again trying still.