Reduce my resting rate

I am exhausted today. I had a horrible night sleep due to staying up to watch tv. I need to get back on track learning this
stuff for work because I know nothing. When I am overwhelmed I give up. And that is where I am and I am wondering if another
opportunity out there exists that I am even capable of. What if I am meant to be jobless and homeless. I am tired today. So
its Friday at least. I was going to go out tonight but I am thinking about just staying home, I mean whats the point? When
someone just slowly drifts away and treats you less and less why bother? I am so tired and to go out then stay out later while
being so tired and do what? Listen to a bunch of garbage talk that never gives me more care or respect. No thanks. I will
cancel today telling him what I feel and its tired and not good. So of course because I got crap sleep the scale went back up
and I figured that would be the case. Interesting if I sleep later it reflects my weightloss? If I don’t it doesn’t. Weight
loss is slow but it’s not a race its a healing process

On the quitting coffee front, this is fascinating to me. It’s been a little over 30 days. The biggest difference I am seeing
is my resting rate! I was averaging 59-65bpm, which is low but for me that was on the higher side. In just thirty days I am
not seeing resting rates of 53-56bpm. I started doing step this week in coordination with walking daily. What’s funny to me is
my knees started out really sore but they are actually feeling better as the week goes on. Like they were sore the first
couple days doing step. I ordered additional knee support, I hope it will be in soon. The coffee jones is starting to fade as
well, which is good because I figured that’d never go away. I still have days when exhaustion hits me and I need sleep but not
like in the first few weeks. I am excited about this change I feel like it really helped me to kickstart this change in my
life to being more healthful.


Weigh in for today, is…. 161.81 I think in about three weeks I will be at 159. This is great news am I am moving right
along in a positive direction. I was going to reduce my calorie intake but I am just going to keep at this and work out
regularly. Eventually I will get there. It took me a lot of years to gain the weight slowly and I will work to reverse this.
In other news I was looking at my resting rates because it interests me seeing this direct correlations with no coffee and my
heart. When going to sleep at night my heart rate isn’t as high. I wonder if I am snoring less. I will keep at my fitness as
well as healthier diet and see what other changes I notice. Yeah I want to look good and fit into a better size while feeling
good about myself but I also like that my body is reflecting the healthier changes. I was using tdee calculator and it
recommended a low cal number based on my sedentary life but I tend to think since I have been pushing for exercise, even if
mostly just walking that I am not sedentary. This week I did start step as well. I love Jenny Ford Fitness, and I highly
recommend her videos. She has a ton of them and I appreciate that she loves step as much as I do.

Stubborn weight

I will be 47 soon, and weight loss is definitely not easy. When I first started I was at 165, dropped down to 163, went back up over 165 and now I am at 164. I have been watching my calories but not ridiculously so. I wonder if I need to be more stringent. I hate getting really tight on this. I have been eating around 1200-1400 calories per a day. And I realize a calorie isn’t just a calorie. So I am wondering what I need to mix up here to see more significant results. It’s okay though I feel good that I am trying now instead of NOT. The opposite leads me to a place of despair and porkiness. Weight loss is not easy that’s for sure. So here I am back at that place, the truth is this is what I need to do always. Not sometimes but always. I am always fascinated there is a girl I follow and she eats around 1900 a day and she is trim. She works out yes but I don’t get it. I’ll keep trying.

I cut out coffee which gave me cream several times a day. I cut out sugar from my coffee years ago. I cut out eating cheese recently. Nothing happens lol. It’s kind of funny. Definitely makes me think that my system is screwying probably due to all the chemicals and crap we have here.

And it’s on…

So, I have been eating better and exercising for the past week or so. I did my zigzag day and gained 1.4 pounds. Which brough me back to my starting weight. I am guessing based on calories ingested it was more an issue of dehydration, as I ate pizza and drank alcohol. But I am thinking about weight loss that I would like to try for a week. I like having eggs during the week, but I am wondering if they are high in hormones. I would suspect that they are since what it is! I am going to try a week of plain toast. I cut coffee and cream and stopped with cheese on such a regular basis. My guess is that I am imbalanced (and old). So that is my new plan just for a week to see how it pans out. I will get some muffins and bread.  

It is funny how disappointed I get when I am trying to lose weight, with how slowly it comes off. I hear about people who just portion their meals and lose weight. I stay the same. Ok, wait I get so defeatist. The truth is it comes off it I just slow. I need to work at adjusting though. And I also wonder if I am not being honest enough with myself over my calories. I will work on making sure I document everything.  

Coffee Quitter… 

And my journey continues. The first week was odd, almost euphoric! I wonder if it was the newfound blood going to my brain! This week I have been down, but I still feel great about the choice to quit. I am calmer but I still have anxiety. I had headaches on Wednesday and all week I had vivid dreams. So, one thing I know causes those dreams is hormones. Also, according to research, I have done it has to do with getting better deeper sleep because your body does not get that when you drink coffee! The reason the dreams tend to be longer and vivid is because your body is trying to stay in the REM sleep state longer due to the deprivation of it from the coffee.  

I have been tired but not as tired as I was the first four days. It fascinates me the withdrawals that happen when you quit. I put the coffee machine away and I gave my brother my unopened bag of joe. I am just officially done. I was hoping that coffee being gone with wake stuff up in my body for weight loss. I know there are claims it helps but it never helped me in the past. The biggest thing it did was suppress my appetite while trying to put off eating. But then I would be ravenous later. 

Caffeine and your mood

I am not a doctor. I am not a scientist. I am a person who is posting my experiences. 

I stopped drinking coffee again. This is probably the fourth time in my life I have quit. To be clear, quitting coffee is not easy. Which is why this is the fourth time I have quit! It is easy to fall back into drinking coffee if you are not clear on why you are stopping, and your plan is moving forward. What do I mean? Well, aside from being socially acceptable it is on every single street corner. If you are like me, with your 3-4 cups of coffee each day it becomes a habit you think you need, and it also is used to waste time. It takes me 2 hours of “waking up” with my morning coffee. And please don’t forget how expensive this habit is too. I have a super addictive personality; so, I can’t have just one (and I don’t want to anymore either now that I realized what it was doing to me).  

You might be surprised to realize how physically addictive it is. The first withdrawal symptom I noticed was a massive headache. This headache is tied to your brain getting more blood than it used to because caffeine restricts that. This may not be the scientific speech of this, but this is basically the gist. After that dissipates you will notice body aches, in particular for me its back pain that goes through my legs and ankles. This happens to me on days 3-6.  

But here is what I am really here to tell you. The level of anxiety I was experiencing at work this past year has been intense. Stopping coffee, though it’s a challenge it has made a huge difference for me and how stressed I am. I am much calmer. It gets better too. I had been focused on weight loss last year and I have been struggling to find the will and drive to care about myself again. To want to be more healthful. I have not had it in me to consistently exercise or try to eat healthier. In the past two days my mind has woken up in a positive way. It’s bizarre to me that I feel better mentally, less stressed out and I want to take care of myself. All by stopping coffee. I am on day 6 of no coffee. I had to take a few naps a day at first, but I am actually starting to have more energy. 

And another upside. Though I didn’t put sugar in my coffee, I did like cream. That is a big reduction in my calorie intake, and it lets me actually enjoy food instead when eating at a calorie deficit. So here I am weighing in at 165 pounds with the goal being 145 pounds. I am going for it, and I feel pretty dang great. 

By the way, I have decided based on the research I have done about coffee that this isn’t a 30-day quit but a forever goodbye to my old friend. If you go to google and search about coffee being bad or good for you, you will find articles about why you should drink coffee and it improves your mood. Sure, it does, that first time you drink the drug but then there after you chase the high. It causes adrenal fatigue, which is basically making you more tired, it causes anxiety, it depletes your iron which causes premature graying, it damages your gut, and I really think it messes up the chemistry of your brain as well as your hormones. So, I am excited to jump back in to regain my body and mind.  

And I am up 10 pounds

Ever since last November I have been off the rails struggling and it has steadily gotten worse. I am in such a dark place with work and homelife being stressful. It’s all one place. I started a new job in April. I had another family member move into my already small home. I am not happy at all with my life decisions. The job I started is not my tech skill set at all and I am pretty much lost. And I am miserable with this change. This morning I decided to find out my weight after I put on my sports bra and felt like I put on a corset and there it was 10 of my 20 pounds I worked so hard to lose last year. Here I am, despite feeling like I want to crawl under a rock attempting to show up for my health. I am 46 years old, soon to be 47. It’s all that I have left in this short life. So today is the first day of this and I will take some steps. I am here to attempt to get back on track and I will do measurements as well.

A few days ago, I speculated I was 165, thinking it was an over and estimate and I’d weigh myself when I was ready. Again, I go back to this, I always fall off track when I stop weighing myself but really it was more the stress. I will try to not weigh in daily but to get back on track and weigh in again next week?? I don’t know I am such a strong advocate on the daily weigh in. I have lost what type of foods work best for a calorie deficit.


By the way the guy who always disappears, faded away for more than his two-four-week stint and it was about 4 months. I decided to check out some stuff online and found he went to a dress up event with ex during that time frame. I am all done with this.

Dissection of failure

The title of this post is harsh and not that accurate as I do not believe in failure. Failure to me is when you give up and stop trying. I have never given up on anything. I might not be successful, but I always return back to try again.

Weigh in day… So, the last time I logged in I was at 156, and after three months I am now at 158.8 lbs. This was on a different scale, but I will weigh in again tomorrow on my normal scale. So here I am to try to lose the last 15 lbs. I will do my best. I have been eating a lot of pringles and dessert. I know horrible! Today I am logging out my calories and I also ordered recipe books for low calorie recipes. The reason is that I have a list of reasons that I fell off the wagon last time and lost focus. Life just happens. Do the reasons matter?? I feel like they do not, but I also wonder if I address them, will it help me to avoid it this time around?  

  • Work stress, which a given but it seemed like I had hit a place normal when they threw the stupid mandates into the mix. 
  • Distraction of the holidays 
  • Winter gloom 
  • Stress of homeschooling 

Stress will always exist. One thing that bothers me is the distraction level I have but also the loss of motivation. It is like the wind blows and it is all a great idea and the next day I cannot get out of bed. Does anyone here relate to this? I know that the BEST way for me to get past this is to consistently push myself every single day to create the habit. If the habit exists, it will kick into gear when the loss of motivation is there. I have done 100-day challenges before and got to day 90 and just quit. You catch a cold or severe weather or lose power and that is it you are done.  

How to get back on track?

Last year I was able to make some positive weight loss and health changes but then the stress started mounting towards the end of the year. With vaccine mandates at work and just being so discouraged by my current job. Things were going badly fast. And I had an offer, of much less money, that was local. I should have taken the offer, but I did not. It was one of those highly regrettable moments in your life when you reflect on it. It really disturbed my world. I have been struggling ever since. And seriously disgusted with me. Here I am, I have a new offer. I am taking it despite having some qualities I do not agree with because there are key factors that meet certain life-related needs.  

But I wonder do those “life-related” needs outweigh the quality of work you do? I am having a challenging time explaining this but what I mean is who you work for and what you work on? Like the task itself is important because it is my trained skill. But what I mean is the company you keep. Like what if I worked with an organization or team that helps the same values as me? I would find more joy and self-fulfillment. Just something that has been on my mind as I moved into working for a company that claims it does good things (like my current job does) but it really does not align with what I consider good.  

With all this weighing on my mind and heart, and changes at home being stressful, I am so far off the wagon, and I can see it sitting on my waist. And aside from that I am not fit anymore. Just fat. I have not been able to get back onto the fitness track since I moved to this state 20 years ago. That is a long time. I had a stretch in 2016 that I was doing it!  

What is my point? This makes me laugh because for the BEST of days to get on track and make healthy changes around the 27th of the month! And here it is March 27, and when I finished my lunch, I said enough is enough, and logged my calories so far for the day. Tomorrow I will get back on the scale and today I will start doing step again. I want to get back on track both with my fitness and calorie counting deficit. I am 46, and I will be 47 this year. My health is not great. My state of mind has been dark. I will work to get more focused but also to love myself more. To stand for me and my daughter.  

Life happens. I get it. I just wonder how I will strive to give myself and my daughter better.  

Is it possible to lose weight just being more aware???

I fell of the regimented structure of my “diet.” I am going to attempt to lose weight without a diet, recipe for failure? I woke today and looked at the scale and said NO.

I have never been able to successfully lose weight without having a specific outline, not a canned one from the store or online but using my own typically works. Mine involves a regimented calorie deficit with exercise. The problem is I struggle with consistent motivation to track etc.

While cleaning this past weekend I stumbled on a wall calendar where I marked off all my fitness and wow. I was so consistent, that was 2016. Before my father passed away and I had to rush to my mother’s aid. Then she got cancer. Then I started a new job. Then we moved. Then covid. Then homeschool. Then mandate drama. So much has sidetracked me. What if each day I paused before it starts and I try to focus on living my best life. That saying annoys me but I feel it is something I am missing. Why is it expected that I help my mother? I feel like I have done more than I should for way too long. And I have been selfless.

There is so much going on in the world that is bad. I want to stay abreast of these ongoings, but work, fitness, and kid are top priorities to me. But it is also important for me to do things that make me happy. I am struggling with free time already. We can’t catch up with school. And is it all for naught? Will she test at actual grade level for the program I want her to attend? I can’t bother with that.

So where my head is at? I want to start being more aware with portions, eating slower, smaller, and less junk / dessert. I am going to pick up the pace with fitness because I need more and it will help my mental state. So here I am again trying still.

28 Days until SPRING.

Last June I dove into weight loss and lost almost 20 pounds. Have of what I had wanted to lose all total. And ever since I have been floundering to get back into fitness and weight loss. The question has floated by me, what if I am done and just do not care enough anymore? But I do care. So here I am. Not post an article berating myself or talking about being on track or getting on track. Ok the last one. The stretch from last September until now has been difficult. With all the covid stuff happening and my work. It has been a challenge for me personally and I am sure MANY others have as well. I will not beat myself up over falling off track or going out to eat a bunch of times last week, but I will do this… 

Today I am going to track my food and start getting back on the task. I will take the step. My sports bra is tight around my chest again. I DO NOT want to return to 175 pounds. That was gross. Tomorrow I will weigh it. A friend of mine did the weight watchers thing and swore by it but I have always found that if I track calories and try for a deficit, I am okay. I need to feel hungry at nighttime because that tends to show me, I did the right thing. Another step I would like to take is drinking a lot of water. I know it makes an enormous difference as well.  

I have been wanting to work out and either get a treadmill or join a gym. I am embarrassed to go to the gym. I feel so out of shape and fat. The struggle for fitness has been real since I have been in my thirties. I am 46. Making the time for myself since I had my daughter has been a challenge but then every other reason is due to time or stress. So, I am back. Taking it ONE DAY at a time but tracking everything. Because I know that tracking is so important for me. That accountability makes me show up for myself.