Spring is here

I started to get back on track yesterday. It’s always a process of rebuilding those healthier habits. I decided to take today off from work because last week was a challenge and the upcoming week will be all meetings. I am debating if I will show up for a meeting at 11AM. So it’s spring and my mind is awake after a long hard winter. I started a design class, just like I wanted. I am trying to refocus my efforts on weight loss. That is important to me, but one thing that is really important that I have lacked on is fitness. I have been in such a depressed state the past year or so. I have been slowly trying to integrate fitness back in. I dislike working 10 hour days, it sucks it right out of me. I suppose I am adjusting to it. Am I terrible that I’d rather take a pay loss and work 32 hours.

up 10 pounds

About a month ago I had decided to cut out dessert and sweets. I wanted to see what a difference it would make on me. The first few days I noticed the scale went down and I had a headache. Then I started feeling more hungry. I wanted to eat more in other areas. It could have been a psychological thing but I started gaining. A girl I follow on youtube has talked about this, when she denied herself too much she’d want to eat more. So I lasted about two weeks. And I really don’t know how or why but somehow during this time frame I gained back the official ten pounds I had lost last year. I am back up at 164 lbs.

I want to start by saying, I care and I want to lose it but I am also at a better place. There are a few reasons why. I have had a few things happen in the past two weeks that have awakened my mindset. In 2003, I went through a cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) program that changed my life. I suffered from anxiety and depression and struggled to hold a job. After this program I changed my life. I have struggled through the years still with it. But after leaving a long time job I had floundered for years. The past four years have been so hard on me. And my state of mind has really diminished due to this. I have been struggling. A chatted with a friend and she noted to me that I was in such a negative self mindset. And a light came on. I have been. And I am not perfect by any stretch but she made me realize that I can pray and read the bible but how I talk to myself is damaging my whole life. It was that day I decide to refocus my efforts on cbt and finding joy. I picked up a book called Renew by Julie Winter and started working on finding joy. I don’t need to punish myself because I think I am not doing enough or not good enough. That will only give me misery.

So then I stumbled on noom again. I have written a few reviews about noom and I still feel similiarly about the program but I also believe sometimes we need help. Sometimes a guide in life can help us get on track and refocus our efforts. Noom has updated the program since when I tried it the first time back in 2019. One of the things I loved about the program initially was that it was very positive. I have decided to try this option again and work on positive psychology paired with faith. After I found this I stumbled on a video that also was enlightening. A gentleman was speaking about the importance of prayer and not being gluttonous as a christian. I am sure there are readers who are not believers I wasn’t until the past couple years but I am a believer now and it never occurred to me to pray before a meal. To slow down and be mindful of what God has given us and pray on the meal. This was a big slap in the face. So it’s interesting to me how things happen, that I was feeling so much self hate over my body and weight and God brought me the tools to help with that and my new job.

Off the rails

I started new job. The stress is high while learning a new job. I was thinking about how high my weight is and how when I fall off the wagon there are some specific things I do:

  • I do not weigh myself
  • I eat fast
  • I snack often with reckless abandon
  • I figure it doesn’t matter because I already ate this or that

So I have some things I want to try. I have the next four days off. I want to try waking early, drinking water and exercising all four days. I want to try fasting until 11 and having a shake. Can I do it? I hope so. I want to have a piece of meat and veggies for dinner and yes I want to have dessert. This seems sustainable when I consider it.