Mental health professionals in my blogging exploration I have noticed something I do and I am curious what this behavior is called. So I have anxiety and I tend to be fearful or big changes. I am the type of person though that likes and knows that change will happen and I head it off! But every scenario goes like this for me:

I want to do xyz. I research xyz to every end of the earth. I create so many instance for xyz to be in my life. I make an appointment or get an opportunity xyz. I bail or cancel or don’t show up to 100 appts that I keep making for xyz. Until I finally tell myself WHY are you doing this you are exhausting all your opportunities! I finally either do xyx or decide to think about it again later or never again! (maybe that’s my secondary gains from anxiety??).

This has always been A huge problem for me. I was thinking it was something else but when I put it in writing as a generalized topic I realize the pattern sounds like anxiety and secondary gains. I never realized, it was a strong pattern until I was writing about my career. It occurred to me. I am actually pretty happy to have realized this because while going through cbt one of the focuses was on secondary gains and I knew on a base level my anxiety was a way to avoid what scares me. But if you plug something in as xyx to be buying a house. There is a reason why EVERY single step I had fear and anxiety. How I manage it on a higher level could be worked on but its amazing that I am seeing this as a true pattern and HOW flipping exciting to be able to manage and change this! It’ll save me a lot of time.