And up she goes

I decide to do intermittent fasting then ate breakfast at 10:30 AM. I had chips twice, a salty sandwich, bagel with creamed cheese for dinner, a donut, and two cocktails and cheese and crackers. YAAAA. So apparently the ONLY way for weight loss to work for me is to log every single calorie and to be accountable for every single piece of food that goes into my mouth. It amazes me that every single time I have to gp back to this process where I earn this is the only thing that works for me. I am American so I do wish there was a magic pill or surgery for these 30 pounds but I am litterally 9 pounds from my starting weight last June. I have almost gained it all back. It has been a shit year, and the stress has been unreal but that is life, LIFE is stressful. My stomach looks gross. I don’t want to spend the rest of my years focused on this and eating garbage. I need to just take steps forward for better. Its my health and existence. I just want better for myself. And spending each day doing the things that make me unhappy then beating myself up at the end of the day is a waste. I am going to stop sitting around with my phone all night, I know, its a horrible habit. No snacks after six. No chips or flour based desserts. And counting calories starting today. I don’t need to be perfect but I do need to be aware and do my best. If I do my best there is no reason to beat myself up.

I follow a gal on Youtube and sometimes she reads from her weight loss journal about not being worthy or good enough. I don’t feel like that is something I feel?? I mean in terms of work and life I guess and sometimes I fall to such a sad state of depression. For example this weekend I was rock bottom feeling all weekend. I tried to focus on eating healthy but just ate like crap. And if I don’t watch the scale and calories I am a mess. Who are these people who can stay on task without that? I want that! LOL. Its like I go crazy and think the guard isn’t watching take extra. And the more bad foods I eat the worse I get. It starts as one meal then next thing you know ever single meal and snack is processed and bad for me. And I have a 40 inch waste. Gross. The guy I had been dating struggled with weight for the past 7 years and suddenly he is down to thin weight. He looks good. I liked him up or down. Didn’t bother me either way. I am back on task of as TODAY right now and I will do this till December. Mark it down b*tches its 6/13. If I stay with this and lose 2 lbs a month I could be down 12 by then…Ok I am logging it out starting TODAY.

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