Crossroads

I’m not sure what this post will be called but its kind of a mishmash of thoughts. Have you ever taken one of thos personality tests? They identify who you are, and all these traits in relation to how you work. I have taken it a few times, my personality is always introverted and harmony. I try to be the peacemaker. Maybe thats my role growing up in a family where I was the baby and it was turbulent? As a late teen I was abused and didn’t have anyone to stand for me. What he did to me was horrible and there is something that happens when you are a victim of abuse where you actually blame yourself instead of realizing the person who did the horrible stuff to you was the adult taking advantage of you. I didn’t expect my post to go here but yes, it did. I have been kind of a mess and lived my life all over the place. I got lucky landing a great job but I have always struggled to stand up for myself. This is not a good trait for someone who is a single mother. Yes, I have come a long way and done a lot for myself. But at the end of the day what I just did was cow down. I like usual had NO support for people who should be supporting. And honestly why did I think I would. So I am at a place right now; where I realized stuff about who I am and I want to fix it. I knew when all this stuff was going on and the fight would come to my door, I’d be scared. But I didn’t think I’d cow down; and worse is the horrible feeling of pure regret and disdain for myself. I have been praying for forgiveness, strength and healing. But the other problem is that I don’t know what is up or down. I want to live my remaining days in peace but I am not having much support or ideas on what to do.

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